My struggle over the years with the abuse has not so much been with the forgiveness aspect as much as it is how to live with it and what reconciliation should look like. A big part of my struggle has been my family’s “positive” outlook on everything—more avoidance. Forgiveness is treated like sweeping everything under the rug and not bringing up drama. Really, we are expected to be quiet about any anger and hurt and look on the bright side. Recently I discovered many physical injuries that have cause me years of physical pain due to negligence and one perhaps overtly from the abuse. I am supposed to just be happy these injuries are being treated now. What about all of the years I have lived with headaches 2-6 times a day? Constant fatigue? What about the fact that I will probably have some of these injuries later in life? The larger problem with this “positive” outlook is that it also allows the perpetrator (who is a member of our family) to live in denial and those who suffer to remain without support.
I’ve already lived in silence over this issue since I was a kid. I lived with constant physical and emotional pain all of the time. After a while I just started to think none of it matter. It didn’t matter if I was physically hurt, cold or distraught. No one cared, but God and to get through the day I often just shut off all my emotions. By the time I entered High School many people noticed I never smiled and was very serious all the time. When I went into college it still felt like acid when someone would accidentally brush up against me or touch me. It was usual to have several anxiety attacks from the PTSD in the night and then for me to finish my school work while I was drained and shaking. I have already done things on my own for so many years and as an adult have been able to start counseling and taking initiative where I otherwise could not. I am much better now than I have just described.
I am not going along with the positivity I am being sold. It’s unrealistic. It’s fake and not healthy for anyone.
Reading The Bishop of Rwanda: Finding Forgiveness Amidst a Pile of Bones by John Rucyahana has helped me immensely, especially the sections on reconciliation. I was tired of the “help” people tried to give me on this issue. Some wanted me to “just forgive” when forgiveness doesn’t just happen, and was not my key struggle for many, many years. Some kept suggesting I try and be on good terms with the person. How can I when they live in denial and hurt those who get close to them? Some have told me God wanted me to be abused—all in His plan. Really, should I share this wisdom with a rape victim as well? Others have tried to comfort me with all the good God has done in my life and while I do find this somewhat comforting because God is always a comfort, it is also empty because the person seldom enters into the reality of evil, pain and suffering before they go into how God has used it. It is more used as a consolation prize.
I decided to turn to those who have suffered much more horrifically than I have and really understand forgiveness and especially reconciliation. Corrie ten Boom’s sermon’s have helped, but John Rucyahana’s book has especially. He goes into the horrors of the genocide, its causes, and how the world turned its back on the holocaust in Rwanda after some world powers had provided the instruments of the genocide. His people preach forgiveness and reconciliation to survivors and perpetrators. I appreciated how he did not give simplistic solutions and took into account that many survivors were not ready to consider forgiveness too soon and pushing them would cause them to withdraw completely. It took time. What was more relevant for me was getting a clearer picture of what my part is for reconciliation.
A while ago I went to a CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) conference and was struck by the willingness of a Native American tribe’s continual willingness to bring about reconciliation (which goes beyond mere forgiveness). The one who does the wrong is the one who should be responsible to make restitution and mend what is broken and yet here the victims continually strive for it. God did the same. We wronged God and yet He was crucified to bridge the gap and heal what was broken and restore what was lost. I have struggled with this aspect not out of anger or hatred, but with the simple dread of what hope would do.
When I was younger I felt a severe and continual loss over and over again when the person I trusted kept hurting me. Even after the physical abuse stopped and the emotional continued I lived with the continual hope that maybe everything would be good again. Maybe I would be loved. Maybe everything would be better. I was disappointed over and over again until finally, I gave up on it all and didn’t hope. This protected me at the time and I didn’t want to hope or even try and imagine the two of us ever having a right relationship again. Still, I was bothered by the Bible passage that spoke about love always hoping.
At the CCDA conference I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying uncontrollably for a several minutes. I am not one to cry, especially in public (though Nick has created a safe place for this), but after hearing what Twiss had to say (one of the Native Americans), the song Beautiful Things began to play and God used that moment to speak to me. God hit me with the resurrection and all that it meant. I saw a new vision of what He desired. I cried because I knew I had to give up my hopelessness and the potential for more hurt was almost certain and yet I knew this was what I wanted more than anything in the world now, but not because of some childish idealism. Instead it was because of my encounter with God. His love. His vision. But how do I become an agent of reconciliation in this situation?
Rucyahana explained that for the victims a time of processing was needed, and a willingness to forgive. Those are good so far. The other part was being willing to enter into relationship and actively demonstrating forgiveness. To give you an idea of what his happening in his context, imagine a Nazi who killed a young man’s entire family (wife, sister, children) in the most gruesome way in front of the victim sharing a meal, laughing and hugging him after forgiveness has taken place. For me, I can be hopeful this will happen and willing to participate. My hope will not be based off of personal need for the other person or a desire for conflict to be avoided but a love that wants the good of others, especially her. The ultimate example of love Jesus could do it and so could many Christians who followed in His footsteps after they survived the Rwandan genocide. My hope is not dependant on her, but on the resurrection and the Gospel truth. The best way for me to put this is that it is God’s work in me and not my own power.
On the other side, for reconciliation to happen she has to give up her denial, reconcile herself to God, make restitution and truly relate to my sister and I. My forgiveness is not dependant on this. However, reconciliation takes more than the person who was hurt coming forward, the other has to as well. Restitution is necessary not because I need or want it (this is not retribution or punishment), but because it is a tangeable sign of repentance. In the story of Zacchaeus, the one who was hurt (God) first reached out to Zacchaeus who had sinned. They ate together. In response Zacchaeus repaid all that he had stolen and more. This is joyous and voluntary. It is my hope for her and I.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
From allisonquient.com